Who am I?

For a while at school I thought the other girls were a bit boy crazy too soon. I wasn’t getting the same feelings as them gushing over a hot male teacher or a cute boy, usually in the years above us. I thought maybe I was not as mature as the other girls, and felt a bit left out because of my “lack” of feelings towards them. They were boys, I hung out with them, played with them loads. I got a bit teased about it. Now I look back, maybe its because they were jealous that I got on with them and didn’t freak out if one paid me any attention. I had loads of male friends, but was just not interested in them (like that). By this time I had acknowledged that I had crushes on girls. I thought every one had. But I didn’t talk to anyone about it as deep down I was scared of it being something deeper.

I didn’t know any gay people, and my family are old fashioned Catholic Asians. This is not something you talk to them about. Or something I felt I could talk to them about. I had had 2 boyfriends before i realised that no matter how great they were and how we got on well (it’s probably a sign if you’re both watching Ally McBeal and both wouldn’t kick Lucy Liu out of bed) – I really didn’t feel the same about them as they did me. I didn’t have THAT attraction.

By the time I got to college I was with a wider range of people from different backgrounds, ages, and orientations, and I worked in the media. Now we all know what that’s like. I came out to myself – it was such a relief. I probably had known all along on some level, but it had taken me time to figure it out and accept it. It all made sense. Crushes on female teachers and peers (kind and assertive women, I was in awe of their confidence). I had lots of male friends but was not attracted to ANY of them. I could go on about loving transformers instead of barbies, but thats not really got anything to do with it. I reckon Gay or Straight, transformers will always be more awesome – until barbie can change into a convertible by raising her legs behind her head.

This first step was a big one. It was a weight that I got rid of in my own mind. To know who I am and just be me. It was exhausting – not pretending, but just questioning myself all the time, instead of doing what my heart wanted.

Next was coming out to my friends (which, lets face it were my family). I called up my best friend at the time and I said. “Hi, I just called to say… I’m Gay”. She just said. “Thats great – I knew already and was wondering when you were going to realise”. It surprised me how many people were not surprised. One of the guys asked me for tips he could use with his girlfriend. It’s important to pick the right people to tell – you’ll know who to trust with your news and who will give you support.

Coming out to my family was the hardest thing. But I decided to do so when I had had a girlfriend. I thought everything needed to be out in the open. I wanted to introduce her as my girlfriend, not as my best friend or roommate! It just didn’t seem fair to hide.
My mother was very upset. She cried and said she tried her best with me, how could I turn out like this? She said she was very close to her female friends before but this doesn’t mean you love them like a man CAN love a woman. She cried about me not being able to get married or have children (Both you can actually do!). I explained that this is who I am, it has always been me. Since I was a small child to now, I haven’t changed. I’m still her daughter, I still love her the same. I’m just telling her this is who I love and she happens to be a girl.

I can understand she is from a different generation, with a different social or religious upbringing. Maybe she felt bad that I’m choosing to live like this – this difficult lifestyle. The thing is – I didn’t choose. And if I could change. I wouldn’t.

Since then my family haven’t really acknowledged this part of my life (my relationships). They are friendly and welcoming to them when I bring them home. They ask how they are when I talk to them on the phone. So as long as they’re ok with the fact that my Family kind of surf over the fact – then thats ok. I couldn’t , wouldn’t want to live my life any other way. I have loved and learned – and above all been truthful to myself. You deserve love and happiness in your life. Be you and be free.

Anonymous (32)