Looking back on the early years I’m a classic example of both sides of the argument ‘nature or nurture’? I was a stereotype as a kid, a total tomboy, didn’t care about clothes, make-up or chatting up lads. In fact I was one of the lads, I grew up on a road full of lads. I only knew what boys did every day not girls. I would listen to all the talk about girls and who they all fancied and what they thought they wanted to do with girls. All quite funny really as most of the boys would not have known what to do with a girl at that age. I found it really easy to be around guys and had a great childhood with my guy friends, many of which I am still very close with. I was not short of offers as we grew up either. It makes me very angry and sad that some people suggest that girls are gay because they cannot get a boyfriend. Very, very wrong and narrow-minded. I had lots of boyfriends, lots of guys who wanted to go out with me and always got stuff on valentines day. Lovely gestures but nothing that really excited me.
I think as a kid or a teen that I was missing something with boys, they didn’t excite me, I didn’t get nervous around them and could easily chat up or chat to any guy I wanted to. I always found the chase better than the catch. Maybe this was because I was around them all the time, but now I realise it’s because I was gay. This brings me back to the ‘Nurture’ arguement, could it be suggested that I was gay because I learned all the things that young boys learned therefore girls were going to be exciting for me? Something different and new. Or is it that I was drawn to the boys as a young gay girl, we had things in common so I was more comfortable there? I’m sure there are some of you reading this thinking the same or maybe realising this now!
When I went to secondary school I got lots of new girl friends, I still had all of my guy friends but now started to have all these new relationships with girls of my own age. This I found exciting. I still continued to have boyfriends and enjoyed parts of the relationships and the company, doing what the other girls did but it was never ‘wow, this is amazing’. I never got the feeling of being IN love with a guy, maybe you don’t as a teen, but I definitely didn’t.
I started to become particularly close to one of my friends, she was beautiful, she really was someone who I wanted to spend all of my time with and I hadn’t felt that before. We were in school together but I didn’t know of anyone who was gay in school. I didn’t event think I was gay I just knew that I was falling for my friend. We ended up having a relationship, whatever it was it was so intense, we kissed all the time. She said she was definitely not gay. I just wanted to get off with her all the time!
I did not address the issue about being gay, I just wanted to be with her. We wrote to each other on holidays, we went everywhere together and all the time we were kissing we just presented to everyone else that we were not. As she was so gorgeous she had flocks of lads after her. We sort of lead a double life of exploration and normality, if you can call it that. This was a the age of 16/17 and I still had no idea I was gay. I didn’t have gay people in my life so had nobody to see as a role model. I didn’t have anyone to look up to, to tell me that it was alright to feel this way and that I probably was gay (turned out now that my Aunty and 2 cousins are also gay!).
I don’t remember struggling with my sexuality as such I think I just carried on a day to day life and waited for what it would bring. When we got to the end of our school lives it was time to move on, leave the relationship with my best friend and we went our separate ways as such. I uses to chuckle to myself as all my guy mates used to fancy my friend, ask me would I set them up and of course I’d reply that I would try (not to hard). We had lots of fun times together and it was a weird old time of seeing and feeling what was right for me. I’m thankful for her and our closeness as it adds to who I am today. We were young and having a good time. I wouldn’t change it for the world and it taught me a lot about myself. We still see each other now and again, she is married and as she said definitely NOT gay & I am Happy Out. It takes lots of pathways and changes of direction for you to find out which way is your way. I found mine but there was more to experience….
Like the post card says ‘I was a TomBoy and now I’m a fully grown lesbian’
By The Outing #HappyOut