After much deliberation I’ve decided to write up the ‘bus stop’ story. For a few reasons… 1) It’s quite funny 2) It shows that no matter how far along your journey you are it’s never simple or easier and 3) It’s real and again quite funny. This story is based on a first love. Anything before it (and even after it) may not come close to the first time that you fall in love, it was all so exciting and unknown. This was my first real gay kiss with the girl I fell in love with… it was not without it’s drama at the start, read on…
I was 20 at the time and right in the throws of university. The most amazing times, new people, new clubs, new night/days, pretty much new everything. I started working in a local bar, as many university people do to have pocket money. I worked a few nights a week with a bunch of other Uni people or people who were travelling. As you grow older you realise that a lot of bar people are from another country and moving on. There were lots of interesting people, all similar ages and great fun. I knew there was a few gay people amongst them. I didn’t really know any gay people but it didn’t matter to me, although I was intrigued (now I know why).
Following a few months working together I was getting on really well with a Kiwi girl, who I knew was gay. I asked her out to a few uni socials and we spent time working together most weekends. I don’t think we really spoke about her being gay very often but we had a laugh and that was great. One night we were doing the close together and finished at about 12am, she offered to walk me out to the bus stop and we strolled out together chatting. When we sat at the bus stop we got onto the topic of her type (very clever of her, Now I realise!). I think we chatted about who she’d been with before, x’s and other things like that. I then asked ‘What is your type?’ and she said ‘You’! I wasn’t really ready for that but tried to remain cool and calm.
I’m sure a million things were running through my head, questions, answers, rehearing what she had said. Then we kissed, an amazing, full on lesbian snog! A million more things ran through my head, I pulled away and started saying ‘Oh My God’ over and over and over. I can very clearly remember that I did not freak out about the kiss at all. I was freaking out about what it meant for other people. It felt right, it was great and I wanted to kiss her again but what did this mean? Surely I was gay but even that was superficial… I was tormented by the thoughts of having to tell people, for people to react or think it was wrong. I’d never spoken to anyone who was gay, no one that I knew was gay, nobody thought I was gay (turned out some did!).
After that minute of my head whizzing around, I got a grip and we kissed again. I knew, just knew right then that this was it. People often say ‘when you know, you know’… at this moment I knew. I was gay and I was going to have to deal with it. We talked for a bit more, kissed a bit more and decided to get on the bus together. Problem was we lived in different directions… On the bus this gave me more time to think. What were my house mates going to say? What would I say to them about where I was? I was never very good at lying. What was I going to tell them? Nothing, I was not going to tell them anything. If I left now, I could get back at a normal time. So I frantically pressed the stop button on the bus probably about 10 times. As soon as it stopped I jumped off and RAN. I ran and ran and ran and ran…. I just left her on the bus. This thought did strike me but I kept running. I ran all the way home, which now I know was about 4 miles.
I was a right old mess when I got back to the house. Sweaty and out of breath, panicked and probably rude. I did not want or need any questions. The others asked where I was, I said work and went to bed. My head was racing, what had just gone on. I just left her on the BUS!!! I didn’t have a mobile phone so it was a case of what was done was done. Needless to say I didn’t sleep very much and I knew I had to go to work the next day. I also knew that she was not on the same shift as me so I had a bit of space to work out what had gone on. I was in fact smiling from head to toe. She was gorgeous and had kissed me but I couldn’t tell anyone cause she was a SHE.
The next evening I went off to work and was totally freaking out about the fact that I thought EVERYONE at work would know. I thought everyone saw or know or she had told every one. I was NOT ready to be having those conversations, no way. Of course when I arrived to work all was normal, same stuff going on, no drama and no questions. The relief was immense, thank god nobody asked me anything. As the evening went on I was starting to relax when I saw her coming through the door with two friends. NO WAY! What was she doing there, I wasn’t ready to see her. I kept telling myself to be cool, just work, serve her if necessary and move on. I served her with a quick chat. She asked me was I okay (NO) and of course I said yes. She and her friends waited until the clear up and she asked was it ok for her to walk me out again and she promised that I didn’t have to end like the night before (damn!). Her friends left and we chatted for a bit and I said sorry for running off (idiot)… We kissed again.
Turned out all okay in the end as we went out for four great years and we are still close now. There is no moral to this story, there is no guide on how to handle your first kiss or how to get off a bus in the safest way. Things just happen and you deal with them, it is often worse in your head than anywhere else. It was really easy to see her again, it was easy to kiss her again and it was easy to keep her as one of my best friends.
There are, of course many more tales since then, some of which I’ll share with you.