Technically I am not fully out. What I mean is, I am to some, if not most, of my friends and I think there are whisperings among acquaintances but I haven’t felt the need to shout it from the roof tops so to speak. My mum knows but my dad does not and he does not because of the way my mum reacted. It totally threw me as I thought she was the more liberal one so I am treading carefully with my dad now as I do not want to go through that horrible experience again anytime soon. My mum is struggling with it and thinks it is a phase. She thinks I will get over it and has a “we’ll see” stance on it.
Plus, I have two children to consider and whilst I have actually spoken to them about the possibility of Mummy having a girlfriend and explained to them what it means to be gay, I have left it at that. At 7 & 5 I don’t feel they need to be told anymore until I do meet that someone special that I want to be with. I also realise now that she has to be something pretty special, not just someone I have dated for a while. That is a lot to ask of anyone but I think it is only fair for them.
So let me rewind and tell you what I have spent the past four and a half years coming to terms with and realising myself. Right at the beginning, when I was four, I had a friend who I used to go to her house and play games. Our favourite game was Superman and Lois and being a Tom Boy even from that age I wanted to be Superman and rescue the damsel in distress. This was always met with a “romantic kiss” like in the movies. Now, that is nothing at four I know because games and exploration is very common at this stage but I can tell you now, even back then kissing her was far more exciting for me than getting slobbered on by the boys in the playground when kiss chase was happening. I used to insist on this game every time I stayed.
I was always having “boyfriends” at school. I seemed to be fairly popular even though I was the complete opposite of girly and pretty much just hung out with the boys. I am not going to lie, I did a lot of kissing. But there was always the moments with girls. Like at family parties when I would be under the covers with a girl playing games. Or when I was thirteen and I spent a summer hanging out with a friend and we ended up kissing for most of it. Or when I was fifteen and I went a bit further with a really good friend of mine. I mean, by now this is not just doctors and nurses anymore. I crushed on Gwen Stefani, Natalie Imbruglia, girls on my football team (no stereotype there right?) but you know what the weird thing was, I can honestly tell you now; I did not know anything about girls being gay initially. I had known men could be gay from quite an early age. I can’t tell you why but perhaps being at a stage school and around the theatre and television worlds at the time I realised earlier. But until that famous Brookside kiss that caused such outrage I never knew what a lesbian was. In 1994 I was 13 you see… that summer… yet the way everyone went on about it I remember only to well from then that I would not even hug a female friend in case anyone thought I was a lesbian. It was ridiculous but I went completely the opposite way.
Then at 16 I met the guy I fell in love with and would eventually go on to have children with. I did love him, truly and madly and we were best friends completely. We had many ups and downs as you do, split up as you do, but I believed he was my soul mate. For a long time life was good and then it wasn’t. We split up for a long time and then got back together. Then once we were back together I think we went down the road of what should come next. What was expected. A house, marriage, babies (I wanted children for as long as I can remember). We were slowly growing apart though and I was growing restless for unknown reasons. I have read so many similar stories to mine since but for me it started with being turned on by a certain actress on TV. Jennifer Aniston in Friends and those nipples. Damn them, Slowly it crept into watching soft porn, for the women of course. For a long tome that was enough to satisfy me and I was able to just keep it as my fantasy. At this point I had told nobody anything. It was just my little pleasure and nobody needed to know.
Then it happened. What I can only describe as my lightning bolt moment. I met a girl who blew me right out of the waters. Sadly, in some ways, it was on my sister in laws hen do and felt totally inappropriate but by God she was amazing. So beautiful and funny with a gorgeous smile and hot body and I was just dumb struck. I wanted her, the whole trip I wanted her. I fantasised, I got Goosebumps when she touched me, I agonised about what the hell was going on. I kept repeating “I am not gay!” to myself. I kept asking myself what was going on. I got home and felt guilty, as though I had done something but nothing had happened except in my head. So I searched the internet… “am I bi?” I must be bi. I am married to a man. I have only ever slept with males… oh no wait… that girl when I was 15. Oh and my friend at 13 we kissed and stuff. Oh shit what the fuck? So I did the only thing I thought I could do, I told him. I told him what had happened and how I felt. He thought I was going to leave then but I didn’t want to. I married him, I still loved him. Yes we were having other issues but we had been together a long time, we had children. I was not about to walk away over this. So I found a support site for bisexuals and for over a year and a half I just went on there for advise and chats. It was growing stronger though. The more I talked to them, to him and to myself the stronger it grew. And I started crushing on girls in “the real world”. He knew, always. I always talked to him about everything. Then one day we spoke and he told me that it would be okay if I slept with a woman. We could open up our marriage and maybe he could see others as well. I had seen it working for women on the site I was on and thought maybe this was a way to keep it as is. Only I met a woman from the site and with his blessing entered into something, slowly, with her. It felt safe as she was also married. I just wasn’t prepared for what happened. After that first night together I knew. I knew that this was who I was and I had to start fighting against it all over again. Yet I fell for her too and it felt like first love all over again. He knew this, he could sense it and he knew he was losing me. Still I fought to stay. I truly did and nobody will ever know quite how much I battled this for a year. A year of seeing her and a year of trying to be wife and mother. I wasn’t being true to myself though and the minute he asked me to stop seeing her and I couldn’t we both knew our marriage was over. We parted amicably and we are still on good terms and get on for the children.
I went on to continue seeing her for a few months but I think my situation now scared her. As a married woman having an affair with another married woman was safe. Now I was a single woman about to come out properly. She ended it which was gutting but I did not want to be the other woman either. We are still in touch and see each other as friends now and then.
I also started to tell all my friends who were absolutely amazing about it. I started to go out on the scene and I can tell you now, never was I comfortable in a straight bar. Ever. I am never uncomfortable in a gay bar. I felt so liberated as I started to explore this side of me. I dated. I had fun starting to explore again. I dated one woman for 6 months and encountered my first “traveller” as I have been told they are called in the lesbian world. I have also dusted off the bi theory. I don’t want to date men. I don’t want to be with a man. I have pretty much come to the conclusion I am gay and always have been it has just taken me a bloody long time to come out. Being gay used to mean being “happy” and I can honestly say, within myself, this is the happiest I have ever been and I feel like finally, I am me.
By Lisa @vene81zia06
#ComingOut #Gayisokay #Lesbian #HappyOut #TheOutingProject #Gay #LGBT #Stonewall #Out #YoungPeopleOut #GayOut
Thank you xx